...Stop and go right away

Okay, so I guess potty stories are the theme of the month. Only read this one if you have a strong stomach, or if you're looking for birth control for your teenager.

Fun fact about me, I am one of those annoying moms that finds time to work out by going to the gym at 5am. I try to get home fast enough to shower before my kids wake up, because no one can yell at me through the shower curtain for waffles if they're asleep.

Of course, Eden was awake when I got home. She followed me to my room, mumbled something under her breath about wearing Hello Kitty pants and left. K, weirdo. I was completely undressed at this point, ready to rid myself of my sexy armpit aroma, when I suddenly smelled poop. I knew it wasn't me. When I turned around, Eden was suddenly next to me all REDRUM style. I thought that maybe she just used the bathroom down the hall and left a few wipes too soon, so I checked her to help her out real quick.

You guys. She didn't just poop herself. She POOOOOPED herself. It looked like my pale little three-year-old tried to glob extra-dark self tanner all over her legs. It even reached between her toes. I didn't notice she had it on her hands until she had already touched her face multiple times. Keep an eye out for a post on pink eye.

I had to carry her like a broken, foldable lawn chair to the tub, and let me tell you the nightmare I walked through. She had smeared poop all over the hallway floor. The bath mat. My patience. It took a rubber spatula, Goo Gone, and an exorcism to get enough off her legs for me to be comfortable enough to hose her off in the tub. Poor Colin cleaned up the hallway while I cried and yelled "OHMYGOSHTHERE'SMOREPOOP." I headed to Eden's room to grab clean clothes, but clean clothes are not what I saw when I got there. At the foot of her bed, there was a mini soda can-sized poop just chilling on the floor. She had also basically smeared herself a mini-moat that bordered her entire bed.

Mind you, I'm still naked at this point. I finished cleaning the hall floor for Colin do he could get the soda can poop, rolled up the bath mat to deal with it later, got rid of the moat, threw away clothes with too much poop on them, put the rest in the laundry chute, made Eden stand in the shower while I told her she was grounded from the TV for 24 hours (she might not understand 24 hours, but she definitely understands no TV), got her dressed, sanitized the crap (ha) out of the tub, then I FINALLY took the longest, hottest shower I think I've ever had.

When I asked Eden why she did it, she shrugged and said, "Because I like to." How soon is too soon for military school?

When you have to go potty...

Can we please have more bathroom stalls in fast food restaurants that have play areas? I mean, if you're going to cater to kids that need to play, you also need to cater to kids that pee. Small kids don't have bladders that understand waiting in line. They're going to end up wading in line instead, if ya know what I mean.

The other day, the fam and I had dinner at Chik-fil-A. I had gotten upanddownandupanddownandupanddown so many times to get all the food/ketchup/straws/placemats/napkins/more CFA sauce, that I was not having it when Eden said she had to go potty. Colin was super nice and offered to take her. If you've been to one of these places, you know there are usually only two bathroom stalls. For the boys, add one urinal. Colin obviously had to take Eden to the boy's room, which was a hot mess. One toilet was broken, and the other was occupied by a patron that clearly had made camp in there.

Eden started whimpering that pee was about to come out, and she was ready to no longer be held accountable if she peed her pants. That girl shamelessly listens to her body, as everyone should. Colin said a little prayer that no one opened the door while he helped her stay dry. Then he picked her up and held her over the urinal. Apparently it was such a success that now she thinks that this is how she will always pee when Daddy takes her to the potty. Sorry, kid, you only get one. Now go sit down and use up all that ketchup you begged for.

It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood...TO LIE TO MY KIDS

Eden is obsessed with all things Mister Rogers, all the way down to Daniel Tiger. Today was Mister Rogers Day in his hometown, and the whole family made the trip out to meet Daniel and Katerina Kitty Kat. So I don't know if you guys know this, but Eden has a thing for older men. When she was first exposed to Daniel Tiger, she declared that she was going to marry Mr. McFeely, and they were going to live in the post office and sleep on top of the packages. After she met the real Mr. McFeely, I introduced her to the original Mister Rogers show. She now wants to marry Mister Rogers. She also wants to marry Santa, but I'll save that story for a Christmas post. Check back later. Clearly, though, she has a type.

Anyhoo, as Eden and I walked to the bouncy house section, she asked me where Mister Rogers was. I froze, because she is three and I haven't really explained death to her yet, and I couldn't let her first lesson be about her future husband. You bet your sweet grandma that I lied my face off. I told her he wasn't there because he was resting. He was tired from making all those TV shows, and he wanted to be ready for her the next time she watched him on Netflix. Of course she trusts me and believed all that garbage. I know when I die and run into Mr. Rogers, he's going to gently let me know he's disappointed.