...Stop and go right away

Okay, so I guess potty stories are the theme of the month. Only read this one if you have a strong stomach, or if you're looking for birth control for your teenager.

Fun fact about me, I am one of those annoying moms that finds time to work out by going to the gym at 5am. I try to get home fast enough to shower before my kids wake up, because no one can yell at me through the shower curtain for waffles if they're asleep.

Of course, Eden was awake when I got home. She followed me to my room, mumbled something under her breath about wearing Hello Kitty pants and left. K, weirdo. I was completely undressed at this point, ready to rid myself of my sexy armpit aroma, when I suddenly smelled poop. I knew it wasn't me. When I turned around, Eden was suddenly next to me all REDRUM style. I thought that maybe she just used the bathroom down the hall and left a few wipes too soon, so I checked her to help her out real quick.

You guys. She didn't just poop herself. She POOOOOPED herself. It looked like my pale little three-year-old tried to glob extra-dark self tanner all over her legs. It even reached between her toes. I didn't notice she had it on her hands until she had already touched her face multiple times. Keep an eye out for a post on pink eye.

I had to carry her like a broken, foldable lawn chair to the tub, and let me tell you the nightmare I walked through. She had smeared poop all over the hallway floor. The bath mat. My patience. It took a rubber spatula, Goo Gone, and an exorcism to get enough off her legs for me to be comfortable enough to hose her off in the tub. Poor Colin cleaned up the hallway while I cried and yelled "OHMYGOSHTHERE'SMOREPOOP." I headed to Eden's room to grab clean clothes, but clean clothes are not what I saw when I got there. At the foot of her bed, there was a mini soda can-sized poop just chilling on the floor. She had also basically smeared herself a mini-moat that bordered her entire bed.

Mind you, I'm still naked at this point. I finished cleaning the hall floor for Colin do he could get the soda can poop, rolled up the bath mat to deal with it later, got rid of the moat, threw away clothes with too much poop on them, put the rest in the laundry chute, made Eden stand in the shower while I told her she was grounded from the TV for 24 hours (she might not understand 24 hours, but she definitely understands no TV), got her dressed, sanitized the crap (ha) out of the tub, then I FINALLY took the longest, hottest shower I think I've ever had.

When I asked Eden why she did it, she shrugged and said, "Because I like to." How soon is too soon for military school?